Hello, Kerry..

Hello, Kerry... Thanks for asking my whereabouts....

I was having a hard time during the first quarter of my pregnancy so i was really not in the mood to blog... But now i feel better...

But even if i was not blogging, i still take time to read your blog from time to time (just too lazy to comment though) and i am really glad that you are on your way to full recovery...

i know you can do it... you are too good and i know you'll be blessed...

hey, we just fell in love and we just loved the other person so much... maybe a mistake but never a sin...

anyway, i am still praying for you... everyday, you are included on my prayers...

i wish you'll be happy soon...

anyway, what happened to jazzy?... he just left the blogger's world without saying goodbye...

regards and always take care...

i'm back... to give you updates

for those of you who missed me................. i'm back!!!

so much had happened to my life...

so much that i really dont know where to begin...

Last November, i was really frustrated about what had happened betwwen M and me...

I was not able to tell you guys that prior to that day (last week of october or first week of November), the Rock (my husband) and i talked about us which ended up in bed...

Last December, i found out that i was pregnant...

With THE ROCK, of course!!!!... Definitely it was not M's baby because the last time we did it was last August and i was just more than a month preggy when i found out...


Anyway, The Rock and i talked again and we decided to start anew again...

And that day, i realized i was still in love with him... as he was with me...

He changed... I changed.... FOR THE BETTER!!!

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My early stage of pregnancy was very difficult... the morning sickness was terrible... i could not get out of bed without getting dizzy and without the terrible headache... everytime i eat, i vomit...

i was miserable....

but i accepted all that... i just told myself that it was the price i need to pay for being unfaithful...

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the Rock doesnt know yet about the cheating... i dont know if i will ever have the courage to tell him... i know he will leave me and take all the kids if he found out... he told me that once... and i dont want to take the risk of telling him... no!!!... definitely not now!

i swear to God that i will never ever repeat the same mistake again... i already woke up to that nightmare i had when i was still with M... i know that to be able to completely correct the mistake, i have to be honest with the Rock and tell him the truth...

but i am still afraid...

i know i would lose him and my kids... i would die if that happens....

maybe someday.... but definitely not now!!!!

oh, life..!

sometimes, i look back at my life and wonder how come i get to experience things that are beyond normal....

how come i always get into some kind of trouble wherein in the end, i always end up hurt and shattered?...

why is it that life always give me some sort of grief, anxiety, pains and all other kinds of heart-pounding feelings?....



IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING !!!!



i've always been a good person... i know i've been until my involvement with M... but just the same, that affair was just an effect of a hell-like relationship with the Rock...


i just wanted to be loved, for Christ's sake!!!


was just too much?... or am i too bad?...



LIFE CHALLENGES ME TO THE HILT !!!!



i wonder when all of these will be over....


im getting so tired ...



exasperating as it was at this moment, i guess there is no better way than to PRAY. at least, that's the safest and most reliable thing i could think of under the weather...



Oh, life.....


HOW COME YOU DO THIS TO ME ?!!!


('sigh')

life (again!)

you know, things would be easier for me if only The Rock would cooperate...

but until now, he's still as cold as what i call him... the Rock.


i am trying so hard to bring back the fire in our relationship...
i wanted to be a good wife.... a faithful one...

but it's just so hard...

everytime i talk to him, he snaps on me... (yeah, so rude)
everytime i hug him, he will just shrug and ask what's wrong with me...

i am so fucking tired and unhappy with him..


but he doesnt care ... and he doesnt give a damn!!!


and oh, not to mention, NO SEX AT ALL !!!
(well, this is over acting a liitle... we do have sex ONCE A MONTH... for 5 MINUTES!!!)


coz Rocks don't need SEX ... they have no feelings....

JUST LIKE HIM!

ok, fine...


DAMN LIFE!!!

life

Cola and M's relationship is becoming visible in the office...

if you ask me if i am feeling hurt, my answer would be ................... i don't know...

i admit i miss M...

i miss his sweetness...
i miss his E-Mails...
i miss his phone calls...
i miss his jokes....


BUT, i dont want him back anymore...

No... partly, i want him back so i can get even with Cola... Until now, i still hate her so much that i dont want her to be happy...

But partly, i dont want him back because i dont want to hurt myself anymore...


I already faced the fact that M doesnt love me...

he never did and he never will...


he wanted me bacause he needs me...

and im not sure if he will still want me if i dont attend to his needs...

i guess not.



i just miss him.... THAT's ALL!


and yes, i am still sad and lonely....


ohh, life....

things left unsaid

-----------------------------------
what i wanted to say to you:
-----------------------------------

1. I’ve been a good girl. i tried to be one, whether in front of you or not. i did whatever pleases you. i made time and exerted effort to appreciate you. and whenever i please and appreciate you, i do it without any expectations and in all sincerity.


2. i kept no secrets from you. you know everything about me, and i take extra effort, if you notice, to tell you everything I know, even if you don’t return the favor. sadly, you don't seem to notice.


3. i don't know about your expectations of me. or how i can measure up to your expectations. as far as i know, i met up with it. i am sorry if to you, I did not.


4. i am hurt. emotionally, i was hurt, which caused all the brouhaha. but the pain doubled (tripled!) when i realized you never give a damn to what I am feeling. it is always what “you” feel that matters to you. and you always wanted to receive the affection, love and care, rather than give them back.


5. 'No Regrets.' you know that I have the ‘no regrets’ policy. sadly, you were part of my 'no regrets'. i have no control over it. but in all uncertainty, whatever happens to me, as well as the result of my decisions, i am totally responsible for it.


6. I do not understand. I do not understand why after everything I gave and did for you, you still cheated on me. I hate to think and admit to myself that SEX is everything that matters to you. sadly, she is better than me on that Department.


7. I TRULY LOVED YOU. more than my husband. more than anyone else. but not anymore.


some things need no explaining, as what happened to us and why/how/when we ended into this. at present, i am still clueless. i am still clueless why something like that transpired.


i am still feeling bad about it. not because of the fact that I have loved you, but because of the end-result of it all.


in due time, i know we will have the chance to talk again and be friends again. but for now, the reality and the irony of the situations are staring at me in the face. it is teaching me something i am not yet sure of as of the moment.


of course, everything that happens to us is a learning experience.


i am patient and impatient at the moment. yet, the irony is making me insane…


until the time comes when our minds and hearts are open for a deeper connection, then we’ll have to make each other understand the reasons.

i’m silent yet still agitated. .. I just want you to know...


(sigh.)


;-(

The Bitch Deserves the Beast

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I have been trying to write something since the other week and up to now I only have scraps... I cannot seem to find the drive to write and describe what happened and yet I could feel my mind so full of them....

we had a chance to talk about what had happened ... he continued to deny everything ... he still said he was innocent and that he was not lying... Cola and him were not together that day...

last week, i gave him another chance... i forgive him...

i did that so i can gauge what i am really feeling towards him after the day of break-up...

i dont know if what i found out is good news or not....

..... i was not excited
..... i never care if he calls or e-mail me
..... there was no more spark


and oh, before i forget, M had separated with his wife... physically (not in papers yet)

and im glad its not because of me....

we were separated, too, when that happened....

-

and you know why i gave him another chance?....

-

nope. not to own him completely...

-

i agree to be with him again because i dont want to give Cola the full triumph of having him completely.....

she doesnt deserve to be happy...

-

call me sadistic or selfish....

.

but a bitch like her doesnt deserve a man loving him alone....

.

(i am calling her bitch because thats what she is showing me whenever M is not around... a bitch!)

-

but sadly, our reconciliation didnt last longer than 5 days....

.

we fought again and i ended it again....

.

despite of him saying sorry repeatedly... i still ended it.

.

and this time, i dont care anymore if Cola would have him completely.

.

.

.

THE BITCH DESERVES THE BEAST!!!

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